We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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