You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
handjob tips. give me some.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
third nipple confirmed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
