Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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