Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
