he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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