Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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