I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
