I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
