RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
