but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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