i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ketchup is God's man juice
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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