I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
