I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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