I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
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maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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