my vag is so smooth its legendary
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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