New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
