mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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