and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
