My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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