so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
