I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
