I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
