I think i sorta joined a cult last night
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
