she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed