What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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