I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.