Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
