life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
