I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
