Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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