just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Randomize
