There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
