My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am available for nakedness
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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