she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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