If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
