return my video game
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
