I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
