I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
