i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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