So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
