Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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