i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Randomize
