so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
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He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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