no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
