Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Alive.
So much puke
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
