Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
