I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
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I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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