Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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