The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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