I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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