If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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